Now on the ballot

HOZER
FOR DELEGATE

Alternate Delegate — Keyport

Squared away. Shows up. Does the 3–3 without a single complaint on record. That's the whole pitch.

EXHIBIT A

LOG 001

Reasons on the Record

ITEM01

Numbers-matching, daily driven, not a trailer-queen. If the man can keep a Camaro running right, he can keep a delegation running right.

VERIFIED

ITEM02

Squared-away uniform, sharp posture, flag-and-siren energy in every photo. Representation matters, and so does looking the part.

VERIFIED

ITEM03

Actual barbell numbers, not gym-selfie numbers. A delegate who can carry weight in the weight room can carry weight at the table.

VERIFIED

ITEM04

Works 3pm–3am, every rotation, no complaints on file. If he'll do that shift for the town, he'll do the unglamorous work of the job too.

VERIFIED

LOG 002

Reporting Party

Basically everyone at roll call, off the record.

Incident 1

Called for backup on a raccoon. It was in a trash can. The can was closed.

Incident 2

Still can't parallel park the department vehicle without a spotter and a small prayer.

Incident 3

Brings the smallest coffee size to roll call, then nurses it for four hours to dodge dish duty.

Incident 4

Considers "walking to the patrol car" a completed cardio session for the day.

Disposition

No action taken. He seems nice. He is just, respectfully, not built for this particular ballot line.

* Allegations unverified, mostly affectionate, and entirely satirical. No actual raccoons were harmed.